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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27764608">if im being honest, i dont know what im chasing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebutch/pseuds/bluebutch'>bluebutch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>BLACKPINK (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, chaeyoung is a mess, honestly so are jisoo and jennie, semi happy ending i guess, this is really sad btw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:28:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,712</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27764608</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebutch/pseuds/bluebutch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The signs were there. Oh, god, they were there, and Chaeyoung can’t stop thinking about them. Maybe if she hadn’t missed them, her girlfriend wouldn’t be six feet under and her heart wouldn’t be buried there with her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennie Kim/Kim Jisoo, Lalisa Manoban | Lisa/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if im being honest, i dont know what im chasing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A bit on context for the signs I'm describing: these are signs of a Transient Ischemic Attack, which stroke patients tend to have before an actual stroke. A TIA is basically a mini-stroke that clears up within a handful of minutes. Patients experience the symptoms of a stroke, but within a few minutes or seconds they clear up. They usually don’t happen in this high of a number and the symptoms don’t fade this quickly, but this is my story so I get to do what I want lol. Also, I work as an EMT/FF so I feel like I’ve seen enough strokes to semi-accurately write about them. I ripped my own heart out writing this one. Enjoy! </p><p>Title from ruiner by nothing.nowhere.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were so many signs. The more Chaeyoung thinks about it, the more she realizes how many signs there were. Slipping out of bed to grab her laptop, she settles back down into the blankets, typing ‘signs of a stroke’ into the search bar. The blinding white of her screen burned her eyes as she stared in the dead of night, but nothing would stop her quest for answers. </p><p>She needed something, anything, to stop the guilt. WebMD was not her savior tonight. Chaeyoung had a feeling that her savior was already six feet under. </p><p>‘5 Warning Signs of Stroke’</p><p>Chaeyoung paused, her throat closing as her tears threatened to return for the countless time that night. She fights against her own body, pushing through the pain because if it was <em>her</em> buried in a hole in the ground, Lisa would have done the same. She scrolls down. </p><p>‘1. Severe Headache.’ </p><p>
  <em>“Rosie, can you pass me my water?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung glared at Lisa. Her water sat two feet away, clearly within reach. She loved the girl with her whole heart, but her laziness was annoying, especially after a long day of grueling rehearsals. “It’s right there, Lisa.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A small hiss falls from Lisa’s lips as she attempts to roll her eyes at her girlfriend. “Please, babe,” Her voice is strained, and she raises her hands to her head to massage her temples. “It hurts.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rising out of her chair across the table, Chaeyoung feels her anxiety spike momentarily as Lisa lays her head on the table. She grabs the water and sits next to her, guilt curling in the bottom of her stomach. “Lisa, honey, are you okay?” She pressed a hand to her shoulder in an attempt to get her to sit back up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A short groan, muffled by the table, is her only response. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You need to drink some water.” Chaeyoung insists, gently tugging Lisa to sit up. Her girlfriend relents, and allows Chaeyoung to bring the straw to her lips. She hums her thanks, setting the side of her face back on the table. Her eyes slip shut. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After a few minutes, with Chaeyoung studying her girlfriend, Lisa perks back up. Her smile, all teeth, returns as her pain fades away. Chaeyoung can’t help but smile with her, and she leans in to press a kiss to her lips. “Feeling better?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa smiles, mischief dancing in her eyes. “Not yet. Maybe with a few more kisses, I might.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung laughs and fulfills her request. She feels like her love is pouring from every part of her, and she tries to push it into every kiss that she peppers on Lisa’s face. Her love consumes her, and Chaeyoung doesn’t mind. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A content smile works its way onto Lisa’s face. Chaeyoung thinks she could sit and watch her forever.</em>
</p><p>They didn’t have forever. </p><p>Now that Chaeyoung thinks about it, the first sign showed up nearly six months ago. </p><p>The doctor had told her there was nothing she could’ve done. He told her that she wasn’t trained to recognize the signs and symptoms, and was therefore absolved of any guilt. </p><p>If only it was that simple. His words only made the pit in her stomach swell and the hole in her chest stretch wider. </p><p>If only she had known the damn signs. </p><p>If only she had pushed Lisa to go to the doctor. </p><p>She scrolls further, her eyes reading the second line and the description beneath it. </p><p>‘2. Sudden confusion.’ </p><p>
  <em>Walking down the hall, Chaeyoung noticed the light in their studio was still on. There was no way Jennie and Jisoo were still there practicing choreography or goofing off. They went home hours ago with Lisa while Chaeyoung had yet another meeting with their team about her solo. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa had whined and complained that she shouldn’t be left alone with Jennie and Jisoo, who she claimed were going to ‘jump each other’s bones’ the moment they got back to their shared apartment. Chaeyoung had laughed and kissed her girlfriend before sending them home. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung drew closer to the door and peeked inside of the studio. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Music played from the speakers. Lisa was dancing, practicing the choreography for one of the songs from their album. Her dancing was perfect as always, hips swaying in sync with the beat and her arms and legs gracefully executing each move with poise. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Content to just watch her girlfriend work for a minute, Chaeyoung leaned up against the doorframe. Lisa was lost in her own world, oblivious to her girlfriend as she watched her in her element. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung loved her. The feeling filled her chest as she watched Lisa do what she loved most. She loved her more than anything on this planet, more than their fans, more than their music, more than her own self. She couldn’t imagine spending her life with anyone else. She was lucky that she didn’t have to entertain that thought. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The music swelled into the chorus. She recognized her own voice in the track, and watched as Lisa fervently moved to the music. It was hypnotizing, the way her body moved. It was magnetic, even. It demanded Chaeyoung’s attention, forced her to watch as her torso dipped down and flipped back up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>For a second, however, Lisa’s arms dropped and she missed a beat of the song, her execution of the last move coming late. Chaeyoung watched as her girlfriend pushed past the error and continued to dance. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It happened again, not even thirty seconds later. Two errors. A late execution, and a confused look on Lisa’s face as she forgot a move altogether. Chaeyoung still didn’t move from the doorframe. Errors were common, even for a seasoned dancer like Lisa. She chalked Lisa’s mistakes up to the late hour and her exhaustion. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa dropped to the floor in accordance with the choreography, but when she was supposed to rise back up, she sat there. She brought her knees up in front of her. Her face reflected in the mirror back to Chaeyoung, confusion displayed in her eyes and the downward curve of her lip. The music continued to play, and she sat on the floor for the rest of the song, Lisa’s hand resting on her head as the other fell to the floor. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When the music ended, Chaeyoung entered the studio, calling out softly to her exhausted girlfriend. “Hey, babe. You okay?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa’s head snapped up, and her eyes opened as she made eye contact with her girlfriend. For a moment, her eyes were empty. No recognition, no love, nothing. A frown worked itself onto the younger girl's face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I—What?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung paused in front of Lisa, and lowered herself to the floor in front of her. “Babe? Are you tired?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nothing changed on Lisa’s face. She sat there, her head supported by her hand, and stared at Chaeyoung. The look in her eyes caused a pinprick of dread to stab Chaeyoung’s chest. Lisa’s eyes swam with confusion, and she stared at her girlfriend like she was a stranger. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Lisa?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Upon hearing her name, the confusion finally slipped off her face and her usual grin returned. “Sorry, sorry. I’m just feeling more tired than usual.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung scooted closer, resting her chin on Lisa’s knees. “I thought you went home with Jennie and Jisoo?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I did. But they were being too loud, so I came back to practice a bit and walk you home.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Warmth gathered in Chaeyoung’s chest at the thought of Lisa returning for her. How she had ended up with a girl as amazing as Lisa, she would never know. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You ready to go home?” Chaeyoung asked, nudging her knee with her chin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m always home when you’re here.” A cheesy grin hung on Lisa’s lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“C’mon then, you greasy weirdo. Let’s go home.” Giving her a quick peck, Chaeyoung pulled Lisa to a stand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She noticed the lack of strength in her girlfriend, but when she captured Lisa’s eyes with a worried glance, the younger girl shrugged her off. Filing it away to ask her about it later, Chaeyoung grabbed her hand to lead her out of the studio. </em>
</p><p><em>The two rocked their hands between them as they walked home, talking about nothing and everything. Happiness flooded her chest, and Chaeyoung wondered if anyone could see it threatening to overflow.</em> </p><p>Chaeyoung isn’t the only one racked with guilt, and she knows it. She sees it every time Jennie’s eyes meet her own when she enters the living room after days of not leaving her room. She feels it every time Jisoo sneaks into her room in the middle of the night to hold her as she cries. She sees it reflected in the mirror every time she finally goes to the bathroom to shower after days of laying in bed. </p><p>The grief carves dark bags underneath Chaeyoung’s eyes. Her already thin frame loses more weight, and she can’t find it within herself to care when Jisoo yells at her to eat and take care of herself every day. </p><p>Sometimes, Chaeyoung gets mad. It wasn’t fair, and Jisoo was acting as if she wasn’t drowning in the ocean of grief left behind by the group’s youngest member. The ocean swallows the three of them; it rises higher than the grief and strangles them until they can’t breathe. </p><p>Blackpink was on an indefinite hiatus. Six months since Lisa’s death and they hadn’t made a single appearance. Chaeyoung tried to care. </p><p>She just couldn’t. </p><p>The entire world mourned Lisa’s death, but it only made it hurt worse when the world offered its condolences. They didn’t know the truth. They would never know how much Chaeyoung truly loved Lisa, how she wanted to marry her and spend the rest of her life with her. They would never know how she had failed to save her soulmate. They would never know the depth of the pain that she felt every time she woke, and the way her pain followed her into her dreams every night. </p><p>In Chaeyoung’s eyes, Jisoo and Jennie were faring much better than she was. They had a rough couple of months, but three months after the incident Jisoo began forcing them into their regular way of life again. Well, regular wasn’t the right word considering they weren’t performing or practicing anymore, but the oldest girl was trying her best to take care of them. </p><p>Jisoo dragged Chaeyoung out of bed and pushed her into the shower every morning, and she hovered over Jennie like a worried mother. Her motherly habits sparked more than one argument amongst the three of them, but they always ended with the trio on the couch, huddled together and munching on whatever Jisoo had decided to cook that night. They couldn’t fall apart. Not when there were only three of them left. </p><p>The grief burns in her chest, heightening as she scrolls down the screen on her computer. </p><p>‘3. Sudden difficulty speaking.’ </p><p>
  <em>After their six month world tour, the girls were given time off before preparing their next comeback. They were all exhausted, having given their all at every single show in order to demonstrate to their fans that they truly loved them. Touring was hard, as neither of the couples could openly express their affection in case of fans or the media catching them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Six months of restrained behavior meant one thing: the girls were going to get horribly drunk the first night they returned, and no one was going to stop them. After their manager dropped off an ungodly supply of hard liquor, mixers, and beer, the girls each quickly made their drinks of choice before settling on the couch to watch a movie. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung smiled as she sipped her vodka lemonade and listened to Lisa and Jisoo heatedly debate what movie they should watch. Lisa stood up, arms waving in the air as she tried to convince Jisoo to let them watch Tangled. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s why we should watch Tangled! It’s a Disney classic, and we all enjoy singing the songs. Tell me I’m wrong, Jichu.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>From her position on the couch, the black-haired girl smirked, cuddling more into Jennie’s side. “We’ve watched that movie a million times, Lisa. We don’t need to sing ‘I See the Light’ again.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa frowned. “Actually, I think we do. We all know you love that song, considering how you scream it every time we watch!” She took the last sip of her beer, slamming the bottle onto the coffee table in front of her to emphasize her point. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah? Well we all know you just wanna watch the movie because you secretly think Chaeng is your prince who’s gonna save you from your tower.” Jisoo said. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Laughter fills the room as Lisa dramatically turns back towards Jisoo, mouth hanging open. She’s suddenly pulled onto the couch by Chaeyoung, a squeak rising from her lips at the sudden movement. Chaeyoung settles her in her lap before speaking. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Aw, babe, am I your knight in shining armor?” Chaeyoung coos, the other two girls laughing harder when Lisa’s face turns beet red. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I-” She stutters before falling off of her girlfriend's lap without a shred of her typical grace. “I need another drink.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The three girls continue laughing as Lisa stumbles to the kitchen and pops open another beer, taking a quick swig to try and clear away her flustered state. Making her way back to the couch, the girls snicker as she trips on nothing before coming to a stop in front of Chaeyoung.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’ nee’ anyone’s hel’. I’m goosh.” Lisa slurs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jennie, Jisoo, and Chaeyoung each double over in laughter at Lisa’s attempt at speaking. Jisoo laughed so hard that she fell off the couch, nearly taking Jennie’s drink with her in the process. Her girlfriend shrieked at her in protest, pushing at a shaking Jisoo on the floor. Screaming and laughter filled the room. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung let the mirth dance in her chest, and glanced at her girlfriend as she continued to stand there. She studied her through teary eyes, noticing the slight crinkles at the corner of her eyes and the way her left leg begins to buckle under her. Lisa falls onto the couch next toChaeyoung, and it seems like she’s simply a little drunk, that’s all. Most importantly, she didn’t spill her beer. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t worry, babe. I’ll always protect you.” Chaeyoung smiles. </em>
</p><p><em>Lisa brings half of her mouth up in a knowing smirk, winking at the love of her life. “I know.”</em> </p><p>But, Chaeyoung wasn’t able to protect Lisa in the end. She couldn’t do anything but watch as Lisa faded away. </p><p>Chaeyoung swears that this article was written just to mock her. To rub in the fact that she couldn’t save her girlfriend, who had taken Chaeyoung’s heart with her the day she died. </p><p>The love that once flowed from every part of her now threatened to drown her alongside her guilt. For a moment, it feels as if her heart is stopping, as if it’s being crushed beneath the weight of her grief. Chaeyoung brings a shaky hand up to her neck, searching for her pulse. She finds it beating steadily beneath her skin. </p><p>It’s all so unfair. </p><p>How is it possible that her heart is beating when it’s buried underground in the cemetery by Lisa’s parents' house back in Thailand? How is it possible that she’s breathing when Lisa is not? How is it possible that Chaeyoung is <em>alive</em> and Lisa is <em>dead?</em></p><p>She tears her hand away from her neck as if she’s been burned. </p><p>The alarm clock next to her bed read 3:56 AM. </p><p>She continues scrolling. </p><p>‘4. Difficulty walking/Loss of coordination.’ </p><p>
  <em>Lisa’s hips press into Chaeyoung’s as she rolls back on top of her, connecting their lips lazily. Chaeyoung was still trying to recover and catch her breath from the orgasm that had just wrecked her body, but her girlfriend was seemingly intent on giving her no such time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung broke the kiss, her breaths falling in short, quick pants onto Lisa’s face. “Lisa, I think I need to tap out.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>To her surprise, Lisa rolled off of her. She pulled Chaeyoung on top of her, switching their positions. “Are you sure about that, babe?” Lisa said, her voice quiet but husky. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Heat flooded her body again, and Chaeyoung knew she had already lost this battle. Instead of answering, she worked her hands into Lisa’s hair and kissed her, hard. A moan hummed in Lisa’s chest, and Chaeyoung worked a thigh between her girlfriend’s. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A smirk fell on her face as she pressed against the pool of wetness between Lisa’s thighs. Switching to kiss her neck, Chaeyoung lightly bit and sucked the sensitive spot behind her ear. Her girlfriend reacted positively, moaning and writhing beneath her as Chaeyoung let her hands slip from her hair and began to wander her body. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>An hour later, Lisa was sweaty and trying to push her girlfriend away from her core. Three orgasms in a row and she was trembling slightly, her arms weak. “Chaeng, I think I’m done.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung relented. She crawled back up Lisa’s body, peppering kisses as she went until she met Lisa’s lips with a gentle kiss. She rolled the two of them onto their sides and nestled her head onto Lisa’s chest. Her girlfriend’s heart beat strongly below her. For a moment, she laid there and listened, and Lisa’s breaths began to even out. Before she let Lisa fall asleep, she wanted to say something. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Lisa?” Chaeyoung whispered. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you. More than anything.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you more, Park Chaeyoung.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next morning, Chaeyoung woke up before Lisa. She showered and dressed, leaving her exhausted girlfriend to sleep for another hour as she made breakfast with Jennie in the kitchen. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The two chatted quietly in an attempt to not wake up their respective partners. They cooked their partners favorite breakfast dishes, french toast for Lisa and pancakes for Jisoo. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung pulled Jennie into a side hug to silently thank her for her help before striding to her room to wake up Lisa. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Lisa? Sweetie? Are you awake yet?” She sat down on the side of the bed next to Lisa’s unmoving form. A grumble escaped Lisa’s lips. She was never a morning person, not even after years of waking up early for practice or work. Nothing could tempt her out of bed, except maybe Chaeyoung on a good day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’ thin’ I can walk.” Lisa’s voice was muffled by the pillow she had buried her head into. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung laughed. “You were the one who wanted to keep going last night. Meet us at the table in five, okay?” She pressed a quick kiss to Lisa’s exposed cheek. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Making her way back out to the kitchen, she found Jennie and Jisoo animatedly talking and piling their plates with the breakfast food. They sat down at the table, the fourth chair still empty.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Five minutes later, the trio heard stumbling and shuffling coming from Lisa and Chaeyoung’s room. Lisa stumbled through the door, clearly struggling to walk but trying her best to mask it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jisoo began cackling, tears rising to the corners of her eyes as they watched Lisa attempt to make her way to the kitchen. “I knew Chaeng was good, but I didn’t think she was that good.” She laughed harder at the offended look on Chaeyoung’s face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung slapped her palm against Jisoo’s arm. “Hey!” Heat flushed her cheeks and she gazed at her girlfriend, who had leaned her body against the counter. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Something was off. Lisa’s face didn’t just look tired, but it was expressionless and her body leaned on the counter as if it was her lifeline. Chaeyoung studied her, gazing at the familiar lines of her face and the curve of her body. She wasn’t just tired from their marathon last night. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Something was wrong. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung slipped out of her chair, her grin falling off of her face. She quickly stepped over to Lisa, and she pulled her face into her hands. Lisa didn’t protest, letting her girlfriend look deep into her eyes to search for what was wrong. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Lisa? Are you okay?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jennie and Jisoo had stopped laughing when they noticed Chaeyoung’s concern. Lisa shrugged one shoulder. “I’m fine. Just tired.” She pulled her face out of Chaeyoung’s hands, and her strength seemed to begin to return to her as she shuffled around the kitchen. Chaeyoung’s eyes never left her even as the conversation between Jisoo and Jennie picked back up when it seemed that Lisa was fine. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa walked over to the table, Chaeyoung shadowing her with a palm ghosting the small of her back. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They ate and laughed, and Jisoo cracked more jokes at Lisa’s exhausted state. Chaeyoung glared at the older girl, but Lisa insisted it was fine, and that she was fine.</em>
</p><p>Everything was fine, until it wasn’t. </p><p>Chaeyoung couldn’t take it anymore. Either the blinding white of the screen or the guilt rolling in her chest were going to kill her. She flung her sheets back, pushing her laptop off of her and hurried out of the room. She made her way to the kitchen and filled up a glass with water, chugging it like she hadn’t had water in months. </p><p>She probably hadn’t, not in the months since Lisa died. It was hard to take care of oneself when your other half was dead. Jisoo and Jennie tried their best to look after her, but they couldn't do everything for her. </p><p>Chaeyoung leaned her body against the counter, and her mind was haunted by the memory of Lisa doing the same. Except when Lisa had done it, it was for a very different reason. If only Chaeyoung had known. </p><p>Muffled footsteps draw Chaeyoung’s attention from her water. Jennie enters the kitchen, bunny slippers covering her feet and pajamas covering her thin frame. Their eyes meet, and Jennie smiles knowingly. This is not the first time since Lisa’s death that they have met in the kitchen. </p><p>The last six months were filled with sleepless nights and silent meetings in the kitchen at ungodly hours. </p><p>Every time it happened, something went unspoken between the two girls and Jennie settled herself in Chaeyoung’s arms. Chaeyoung settled her chin on the shorter girl's head, and for a moment the pain in her chest lessened and the beating of her heart slowed. </p><p>Jennie’s embrace is so much like Lisa’s. But, it’s not her. The thought drops in Chaeyoung’s head like a gunshot, and she sucks in a painful breath pulls away slightly from Jennie. </p><p>“I still love her.” The words slip out. </p><p>Jennie smiles, her eyes sad. “I know. We all still love her.” </p><p><em>Not like I did,</em> she wants to say. <em>You didn’t love her like I did.</em> But that would be cruel, and Chaeyoung is far from cruel. Lisa wouldn’t want this if she was still here, so she keeps her mouth shut and holds Jennie tighter. </p><p>They stand together, curled into each other for minutes or hours, Chaeyoung doesn’t know. </p><p>The sky is still dark, and Chaeyoung glances at the clock on the oven. 5:12 AM. She loosens her grip on Jennie, who is nearly asleep despite standing up. Chaeyoung smiles softly, and guides the exhausted girl back to her room. </p><p>Jennie settles on what used to be Lisa’s side of the bed, and some part of it feels wrong, but she can’t find it within herself to truly care. Lisa wouldn’t mind, if she were here. She was always so kind, so giving. </p><p>Chaeyoung studies Jennie’s face as she falls back asleep. The stress in her face has melted away. Jennie looks small, and much younger than she is. Chaeyoung feels infinitely old at that moment. She pulls her laptop back onto her lap, opening the screen back up. </p><p>‘5. Sudden vision problems in one or both eyes.’ </p><p>
  <em>Their last day of appearing on variety shows and interviews for their new album arrives quickly. The four were getting interviewed by some American, and an hour into the interview they were given a twenty minute break before the second half began. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung glances at Jennie and Jisoo, who are settled on a couch beside each other, quietly conversing. Lisa was seated next to her, fiddling the camera she had brought with her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Rosie, let me take your picture.” Lisa said, already bringing the camera up to her eye. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Only if you let me take one of you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa hummed her agreement and motioned with a hand for Chaeyoung to pose. She did, settling her hands in her lap and smiling. It was easy to smile at the love of her life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A grin spread across Lisa’s face as she began taking pictures. She laughed as Chaeyoung pursed her lips and made funny poses, taking pictures of every moment. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay, okay, that’s enough. Give me a turn.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa handed her camera over, posing with her arm supporting her head on the couch and a soft smile gracing her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was so, so beautiful, and Chaeyoung wanted to capture every moment. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After a few pictures, Lisa excused herself to the bathroom, dragging Chaeyoung with her ‘for protection.’ Lisa leaned into Chaeyoung’s ear and cheekily remarked that she didn’t want to be separated from Chaeyoung for more than five minutes. A blush flooded Chaeyoung’s cheeks, and Lisa had laughed as she dragged her away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung stood outside the bathroom, dutifully fulfilling her task, and she wondered how the rest of the day was going to go. Their day was still packed with other tv show appearances. Luckily, with Lisa by her side, Chaeyoung could power through the day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Consumed by boredom as she stood there, Chaeyoung absently wondered if Lisa would want to grab dinner together tonight. They could make a little date out of it, and they could bring ice cream back to the apartment for Jisoo and Jennie. It would do both couples some good to spend some alone together after the last few weeks of busy schedules. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her attention is pulled from her thoughts when Lisa opens the bathroom door, and in that moment, Chaeyoung knows everything is wrong. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa’s face is blank, one of her eyes unfocused and the other attempting to look at Chaeyoung. Her body seems weak, and she tries to support herself against the door but fails, her body instead falling forward. Chaeyoung catches her, and screams as Lisa lays in her lap, her lips twitching. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung’s scream is loud enough to draw the attention of the staff, who run to help her. In the chaos, someone calls 911 and Chaeyoung feels her tears stream down her cheeks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything begins moving in slow motion, and Chaeyoung wants time to stop altogether. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa’s eyes never leave her own, and her lips twitch as she tries to speak. Chaeyoung leans down to listen. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I ca—I can’t see.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She never pulls her eyes away from Lisa. Dread swirls in Chaeyoung’s stomach, and every part of her wills the paramedics to show up faster. The life slowly drains from her girlfriend, and her eyes slide shut. Chaeyoung shakes her lightly, screaming her name and squeezing her hand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When the ambulance arrives, they try to take Lisa away from her. Chaeyoung screams and cries as they pick up her body and place her on the stretcher. Jennie holds her back as she screams and she tries to wrestle her way out of her grip but Jisoo grips her arms and won’t let go. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa’s body looks so small on the stretcher. She looks almost childlike, and Chaeyoung sobs harder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She watches as the paramedics load her into the ambulance, watches the way they search her neck frantically for a pulse, how they remove her clothes and put electrodes on her chest. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung insists on riding to the hospital. Jennie and Jisoo release her, promising to follow directly behind them. The medic makes her ride in the front of the ambulance so that the other medics have room to work, and she spends the entire ride trying to catch a glance of her girlfriend through the divide. The paramedics in the back speak in hushed words, doing god-knows-what to the love of her life. The man driving the ambulance steps on the gas harder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When they get to the hospital, Chaeyoung keeps pace with the medics through the ER until they wheel Lisa into a room and tell her she’s not allowed in. She screams, and cries, and someone’s arms wrap around her body but she’s not sure who it is. Her last sight of Lisa is her laying on the stretcher before they move her to the examination table, and the curtains are shut to let the nurses and doctors work. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s the last time she would ever see her alive. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hours later, Chaeyoung sits in the ER waiting room with Jennie and Jisoo. Their manager paces some distance away, talking on the phone nonstop. Chaeyoung sat between Jennie and Jisoo, and the tears had stopped but her anxiety hadn’t. They held onto each other, becoming each other’s lifelines. It feels wrong, sitting out here with just the three of them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A doctor makes his way through the door of the emergency department. His face was grim, his eyes hardened by unseen horrors. Before he can even speak, Chaeyoung rises from her chair and cuts him off. “Is she okay?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His face falls, and so does Chaeyoung’s heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m sorry. She suffered a stroke, and it was too late to reverse it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Every word breaks Chaeyoung’s heart further. Her body feels further and further away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chaeyoung is aware of someone screaming. It might be her. She’s aware of the way her body falls to the floor and of someone’s arms, probably Jisoo’s, wrapping around her. Her world slips away, and she can’t breathe. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lisa was dead.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was gone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And she was never coming back.</em>
</p><p>Chaeyoung shuts her laptop as the first drops of sunlight filter through her blinds. She glanced quickly at Jennie, who was peacefully sleeping, her chest rising and falling evenly. </p><p>It almost reminds her of her mornings with Lisa, of lazy mornings in bed and trying to get her girlfriend to get up and start her day with her. But she blinks, and it’s Jennie laying there, not Lisa. </p><p>She rises from her bed, moving carefully so as to not wake up Jennie. The last picture she had ever taken of Lisa sits in a frame on her nightstand, and Chaeyoung presses a kiss to her index and middle finger and presses it to the picture. Chaeyoung leaves her room and goes to the kitchen, finding a steaming pot of coffee and a mug waiting for her. She fills up her cup, adding two spoonfuls of sugar, and treads over to the balcony. </p><p>Jisoo stands outside, gazing over the city as the sun begins to poke out behind the horizon. Chaeyoung slides the door open and stands beside Jisoo, leaning her body against the balcony. They stand in silence, watching the sunrise and slowly sipping their coffee. </p><p>It takes Chaeyoung a few minutes to realize. </p><p>The pain in her chest had lessened, the weight of her grief easing slightly. It still hurts, but for the first time in the six months since Lisa had passed, the pain was duller. </p><p>“We couldn’t have known. We weren’t trained to know.” Jisoo said, somehow reading her mind. Her voice was small, as if speaking too loudly would shatter the peace that surrounded them. </p><p>Chaeyoung felt Jisoo’s eyes staring at the side of her face. Their eyes meet for a moment as she debates what to say. </p><p>“I know. I just wish I could’ve—“ The words die in her throat. </p><p>She’s not sure what she wishes she could do. There’s so many things she wanted to tell Lisa, so many things she wanted to do with her. She wanted to hug her, wanted to snake her arms around her tiny waist and tickle her. Chaeyoung wanted to kiss her lips one last time, she wanted to whisper ‘I love you’ as they cuddled. She wanted to get down on one knee and ask her soulmate to spend the rest of her life with her. </p><p>So many things, she wanted to do. </p><p>They ran out of time, and no one even knew they were running out. </p><p>“C’mon, I want to show you something.” Jisoo grabs her hand, leading her around the balcony to the roof access ladder. She unlocks it, swinging her legs to climb up and Jisoo peeks back down to make sure Chaeyoung is following her. </p><p>She climbs up, settling next to Jisoo on the roof. </p><p>“Why did you bring me up here?” </p><p>Jisoo smirks before turning to face the city. </p><p>“I LOVE YOU, LALISA MANOBAN!” Her scream startles Chaeyoung, and she lets out a shocked little laugh at Jisoo’s antics. </p><p>“What are you doing?” Chaeyoung said. “You’re gonna wake the entire complex.” </p><p>“I’m telling the world that I still love Lisa. Maybe if I scream it loud enough, she can hear me up there.” </p><p>Moments pass between them, Jisoo’s words processing in Chaeyoung’s head. She smiles and shakes her head lightly, knowing that only Jisoo would do something like this. </p><p>Chaeyoung strides to the edge of the roof and balls up her hands in a tight fists. She closes her eyes, and tries to remember everything she loved about the girl she lost. </p><p>She remembers her smile, how it was slightly lopsided and all teeth, but it was perfect. </p><p>She remembers her laughter, the way it started off normal but devolved into snorts and body shakes the more amused she got. </p><p>She remembers her eyes, the way Chaeyoung’s own love reflected back at her every time she lost herself in them. </p><p>Chaeyoung opens her eyes, and she screams. </p><p>“I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, LALISA MANOBAN!” </p><p>Tears roll down her face, and Jisoo gathers her up in her arms. The sun begins to crawl higher in the sky, and Jisoo makes her way back to the ladder to go wake up her girlfriend. </p><p>Staring at the rising sun one last time, Chaeyoung feels the pain in her chest alleviate a little bit more as her feet touch the ladder.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated! Follow me on twitter @bluebutchh</p></blockquote></div></div>
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